Once Upon a Time…..

I once dated a man that I thought was the one for me. He was tall, handsome and a complete charmer. Little did I know, he would have been the best lesson of my life. Let’s call him Max.

I want to preface this by saying I, in no way feel like a victim nor do I want anyone to feel sorry for me – I’m simply sharing my story in hopes of helping someone else in any way possible.

It started unconventionally of course. We met at a club – locked eyes and I was in. I was young, dumb and lost. We lasted 6 months before I found out that he was cheating on me. Her name was Chrissy and she was a bartender. When I asked him about her – after arguing back and forth – he finally admitted that he did in fact “f*ck” her…. and that it was “the best f*ck” he’d ever had. That was sweet of him to give me details. I rebounded pretty quickly after that and had forgotten about him…. mostly. I later married a man – who, by the way, also cheated on me — but that’s a different story. As I was separating from my first husband, Max and I had been in contact again. Why? Because I was still lost and had no clue what I was doing. Needless to say – Max and I got back together. He made me believe that losing me was the worst thing that had ever happened to him, and that THIS time – it would be different…. because he had never been sure of anything else in his entire life. Right. We lasted 3 years. Why did I get back together with him? Because my marriage had just failed and I felt like I needed to make something work and prove something to myself. Was it the wrong way to go about it? Absolutely. Hindsight is definitely 20/20.

In the 3 years – he was constantly fickle, condescending, belittling – and let’s not forget his constant infidelity issue was in full effect. I believed all of the negative things he said about me and my self esteem was very low. I know now, that people like him want to keep the ones they’re with in that state…. to make themselves feel better. He had a way of making me feel like I deserved his abuse. He never admitted to any of it, and probably never will.

5 Early Signs You’re With a Narcissist

You’re Not Pretty Enough

In 2008, he read a book by Tucker Max and decided that he was missing out on that kind of single life – cheated on me multiple times and we broke up at least once….. but then got back together because he was “sorry”, “it wouldn’t happen again” and the infamous “I’ve never been so sure of anything in my entire life”.

In 2009, on my birthday, I found out that he had asked a girl out on a date and told her he wanted to take her to her company Christmas party. He traveled for work and met women at the hotel bar and had zero boundaries with those of the opposite sex. We broke up at least twice that year…. Unfortunately in October of 2009, his apartment was broken into and looked to me for help…. and because I was often accused of being “too nice”… I gave in. He moved into MY apartment….. and we got back together because again, he was “sorry”, “it wouldn’t happen again” and the infamous “I’ve never been so sure of anything in my entire life”. Truth be told, I needed help paying bills and rent…so I thought he would be helping me out. However; I became so dependent on his part of the bills, that I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to make it on my own… so alas, I now felt stuck.

2009 – 2010 He was telling every one of my friends about how he wanted to marry me, we started going to church together, taking preparing for marriage classes, Bible study classes, went ring shopping…. He then slowly started hating the classes, the church, the people at the church and of course my friends and I. We drove to a wedding in North Carolina and had a great time until the actual wedding night…he had one too many whiskey shots and was having so much fun with his new friends – so much fun that when we got back to the hotel, I said I wanted to go back to the room because I had something “special” to change in to….however; he wanted to go to the hotel bar to “party with my new friends”. That turned into a HUGE fight. We went back to the room and he said to me “go f**k yourself and the horse you rode in on”, “our whole relationship has been a lie and I never felt strongly about you” (among other things) and then left to go downstairs. When he got back to the room at 5am from “partying” with his friends – he passed out right next to me. I hadn’t slept. When he woke up he had ZERO recollection of the night before. Once again, he apologized the ENTIRE 13 hour drive home…..that I drove since he was still wasted. Why didn’t I drive home at the beginning of the night and leave his ass there? Because I, too, was drunk and I didn’t want to drive drunk.

After we came home he was a bit different. More attentive and “loving”… He went as far as telling me to book a cruise for us to go on because he wanted to do something special. Five minutes after I made reservations, we got in a HUGE fight about how he didn’t have the money he wanted and had too much debt…. he told me how stupid I was, that he would have proposed to me on the cruise had I not been such a bitch…and he then said to cancel it. He told me that I wasn’t good enough, that he never wanted to marry me and that no one ever would. I was devastated…. But I stayed… because yet again, I didn’t know what else to do.

The Summer of 2010 was the WORST Summer of my life. He continued to cheat on me, of course. He would tell me things like “I want to take separate vacations because I don’t want to have to pay for you too”… I won’t even go into what happened on Valentine’s Day or other Holidays through out our relationship.

By the Fall of 2010, he started to be nice to me again… said he was sorry – blah blah blah. I was over it and was basically doing my own thing by this point. We were roommates at best. He applied to a company in Dubai but had to complete several steps before getting the job. That year we had Thanksgiving with my family, spent Christmas in New York and had a quiet New Year’s Eve. By this point he was 99% sure he got the job in Dubai. That lead to him telling me about the life we would have in Dubai, and how he couldn’t wait for me to be his wife and for us to travel the world together.

January 1^st 2011…. I woke up completely different. I flashed back to all of the things he had said to me and done in the past 3 years…

“You’re not good enough.”

“If you get fat, I’ll leave you.”

“I don’t want to get married because I don’t want to be stuck.”

Flirting with my friends right in front of me. He actually had an affair with one of our mutual friends.

He’d yell at me or get angry with me if I didn’t do things “right” such as but not limited to : cleaning the kitchen, cooking, when water got on the bathroom mat from the shower…etc.

Cheating on me every chance he got.

….among other things.

I realized that he was never going to change and that the reason why I stayed so long was because I held on to the small glimpses of the man I thought I wanted him to be, but he never could be. He had nice qualities about him, and he was nice to me sometimes. But I let his words hurt me and cripple me to the point of actually believing the things he said about me. I felt like what he said and thought about me was true and I questioned everything about myself. The level of disrespect was insurmountable. How could I have possibly let a man make me feel less than who I was? How was I so nice for so long?? Thankfully he was leaving for Dubai now and I was starting a new job that would move me out of the state. I didn’t have the courage to leave him otherwise. Why was I so scared? I’m not really sure.

As I was driving him to the airport, the tears rolled down his face as he told me that he felt like he was making the biggest mistake of his life and that he wanted nothing more than for me to be his wife….again.

2 weeks later – he instant messaged me and said “I want to experience the world alone….Look, I’m not saying never….but I am saying not now.” Shocker.

I learned many valuable lessons – although I have the emotional scars to prove it. I still have to work through some of them, however I now have a better understanding of who I really am and what I truly deserve. Thanks Max…. no seriously. Thank you. I know now what true and self love really is.

The fact that there are other women out there that have this kind of relationship and deal with it for a lot longer than I did, makes me sad. No one deserves to be treated this way. Men or women. If your significant other tells you that you’re not good enough – that’s emotional abuse. If your significant other constantly makes you feel like shit – that’s emotional abuse. If your significant other treats you like anything less than what you are – know your worth. Know that you can and will get through anything life throws your way. You are strong and beautiful and you do NOT need someone in your life that thinks otherwise.

I kick myself in the ass for staying so long – however; I know I had lessons to learn and life to live….I was exactly where I needed to be to get to where I needed to go. I hope you get something out of this blog and of a part of my life and my mistakes. If one person reads this and gets something positive out of it, I’ve done my part. Say what you will about how long I stayed – I was naive, young and lost…. but I have no regrets – because everything I’ve been through has made me the person I am today. And if you didn’t know…. I love me. 🙂

Eliminate the toxicity in your life – and watch the positivity grow.