I feel like PPD (postpartum depression) isn’t talked about enough and when I was going through mine, I didn’t have a lot of resources to pull from or friends to talk to about what I was going through which is why I’m writing this today. I felt very alone and misunderstood, even though I knew that I wasn’t the first mom to feel this way nor the last, I never felt like I had anyone to really talk to about it that I could relate to. I hope I can be that someone for you with this post.
To recap, I have 2 beautiful little girls and before I was a mom I didn’t really have a clue as to what my purpose was in this world. I mean, besides my own personal journey of self love – which is another blog post. As soon as Olivia was born, I realized that being a mom was what I was meant to be. Even though I felt that way, I didn’t feel bonded or connected with Olivia until she was over a month old.
I felt very judged for the choices I made regarding our first baby. I will always remember sitting near a window in our home, rocking my new baby, looking out of the window and crying. I have no idea why I was crying, I just was. I told Jonah (my husband) that I felt like I was a mental patient and I was looking out at the garden. I’m a HUGE advocate for taking the 4th trimester off from the outside world to help bond the new family together, and that’s what I’ve done with all of my babies. Thankfully, breast feeding was easy after the first month and I was able to nurse her until she was almost 2 and I was 9 months pregnant.
PS Yes, it’s possible to get pregnant while breast feeding and yes it’s possible to continue breast feeding your first baby, while pregnant with your second. Anyway, I couldn’t imagine what it would be like if my baby didn’t latch on top of my PPD….. enter baby number 2.
For those that don’t know, I broke my leg when I was 36 weeks pregnant – I wrote a blog about it but I had to delete it for legal reasons…. which by the way, I’m kind of annoyed by because I know I should have archived it instead! Side note. Back to the story – I broke my leg 4 weeks before my due date and then Avery decided to come 2 weeks early. You can read her birth story HERE. I wasn’t able to put weight on my ankle for the first 4 months of Avery’s life, so I was moving around with a walker and crutches on my own after Jonah went to work. Before you ask, I tried hiring a nanny but it wasn’t for me… and also one never showed up so, that was the last attempt.
Avery was not a great latcher and I spent the first 3 months of her life with cracked and bleeding nipples, until around the 4th month when I was pumping one morning and all that came out was blood…. that’s when I decided it was time for a bottle. That was DEVASTATING for me and it sent me down farther into the rabbit hole that was my PPD. I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t breast feed and I had no idea what was going on with my hormones.
I’m a big advocate of using essential oils for literally everything, and I was doing everything I could think of to help myself get better. One day I had a minor panic attack and I had to hide from my children to hyperventilate in a corner, which is when I decided that nothing was working and I needed to be medicated STAT. I was desperate.
After a few months of being on meds, I started to feel numb to everything. I didn’t want to be on meds anymore so I weaned myself off ( PLEASE DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME – CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR ). Once the meds were out of my system, I knew that I needed to continue my meditation practices, yoga and anything else that would help me feel present. Now, I’m not saying that I never feel like I need to be on medication, because I sometimes do and our youngest is almost 2. I still feel randomly anxious at times and it’s absolutely a work in progress, but I’ve learned to breathe through the anxiety and I’ve learned to change my inner dialogue.
I just want you to know that if you feel overwhelmed and/or anxious, and you feel like you might need medication due to a hormonal imbalance after having a baby – there is zero shame in that. You need to do what is right for you. I did, and I would do it again if I needed to.
Do you have a PPD story? I want to know!
